It has happened to all of us, but it sucks the most when it happens before an important event. Just yesterday I was advising a friend who was panicking because she’s competing in a burlesque competition this weekend and her skin decided to do this:
So I told her to do this:
When your stress hormones decide to wreck havoc on your skin, don’t worry, there’s a solution. Pay attention…
First of all, you need to balance the ph in your body. Stressful times cause us to get less sleep, drink more coffee and alcohol, and eat things we normally wouldn’t. Here’s how to fix what’s going on inside:
First thing in the morning, drink a large glass of warm water with fresh lemon. This cleans your liver and balances the ph in your body. Drink lots of water all day and try to get your hands on some coconut water (not from concentrate). No energy drinks or sodas or sugary crap.
Try to stay away from meat and dairy before your important event. Meat, dairy, and processed foods create a VERY acidic environment in your body causing you to be bloated as well as causing your skin to break out. Additionally, your waist will thank you.
Lots of fruits, veggies, healthy grains (quinoa), seeds, beans, and nuts.
If possible, cut back on the coffee (if you drink coffee). Coffee is dehydrating while also creating an acidic environment and it clogs your liver. An apple will actually wake you up better than a cup of coffee (and you won’t crash).
I’d tell you to cut back on alcohol but let’s be realistic here. :-) If you can, only drink vodka and red wine when you want to indulge. Vodka, lime, and soda is ideal, cocktail wise, because the lime cleans your liver, the soda is somewhat hydrating, and the clear vodka isn’t that bad for you (in moderation, of course). Red wine can give you some antioxidants and relax you. Stay away from whiskey, scotch, gin, rum, and beer as well as sugary mixers.
If you have time to get some exercise it will benefit you all over. A good sweat will purge the stress hormone (cortisol) and turn on the “feel good” juice (endorphins).
Now, how to clean your skin from the outside in (poet in the making!):
After you wash your face, exfoliate with baking soda. It is just abrasive enough to be exfoliating and it topically balances your skin. Use a washcloth, water, and a tablespoon of baking soda and gently massage into your face and neck in circular motions. Don’t scrub too hard… or you’ll be sad.
For your breakouts, after you have exfoliated with baking soda, put some fresh lemon juice on the blemishes. After the juice has dried, dab a carrot on them (break open a carrot and use the wet, inside part). Trust me, this works. The lemon is cleansing and delivers vitamin C and the carrot is healing because it delivers beta carotene (vitamin A, the “skin vitamin”).
If you want to go the extra skincare mile, you overachievers should do this: Take 2 beers (yes, beer) with you into the shower. 1 of the beers is for your hair and the other is for your body. AFTER you wash your hair and body, pour one beer over your head and massage it into your hair. Pour the other beer over your body and scrub your skin with a loofah or exfoliating gloves. Take your time doing this and don’t forget your face. Rinse the beer out of your hair and off your body (don’t wash, just rinse). Pat your skin and hair dry and then continue with your skin and hair routine. You will be soft as butter and no, you will not smell like beer (I promise). The hops is exfoliating while the yeast is healing and moisturizing. And yes, you can have a few sips in the process… I always do.
Not getting a gig because I look too much like Kathy Griffin. Yes, seriously.
Being serenaded by Tiffany with “I Think We’re Alone Now.” She was my very first musical influence as a kid.
An audience member telling me that he was glad to find out I wasn’t a tranny.
After being interviewed by Howard Stern, and receiving the usual inappropriate questions he’s been known to give, him coming over to me, giving me a hug, and “making sure I was ok.”
Carmen Electra and I shared the same stylist while co-hosting a show together. Often the stylist would hem a shirt too short to cover Carmen’s very large chest, so she would give it to me and would then have to hem it even more because it hung on me like a dress.
Some guy tossing his wedding ring in the air while I was singing to him. He told me later that he had planned on tossing it in the river (caught his wife cheating earlier on that day) but decided to do it right then.
Jay Leno asking if there was a ready supply of Valtrex on the island. My dad wanted to punch him in the mouth for making fun of me on national television, but at the time I didn’t know what Valtrex was for.
Forgetting the last name of the mayor of Austin when I introduced him at an award show.
Walking out of an FHM photoshoot because the outfits they provided were NOT what was discussed.
Ashton Kutcher telling me that we had to leave a party (where we were judging a dance contest) because it was getting “too wild.” Ashton has a “too wild” meter.
Yelling for security when I actually needed it and my band laughing at me because they thought I was kidding (I yell for security all of the time as a joke). We now have a “safe” word.
”Grooming” Regis Philbin’s nose while being on Live with Regis & Kelly. He was so embarrassed that he walked off set and they cut to commercial.
Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, asking if the carpet matched the drapes.
Grabbing an audience member by his tie, forcefully pulling him close to me, and both of our mouths slamming into my microphone. He busted his lip and I chipped my tooth. Still have that chipped tooth.
Making the “Worst Dressed” list in US Weekly. Still proud of that.
Mike Tyson asking to take a picture together because “You’re so white and I’m so black… I think it will make a good photo.” Not kidding.
Martin Short jumping on top of me in a green room and pretending to make out with me. Little did I know that there was a hidden camera and it was being broadcasted live on TV.
Making the difficult decision to not pose for Playboy because I didn’t want my mechanic to see me naked. Seriously… that was the reason.
Snoop Lion and I were guests on MTV’s TRL the same day. I did not know this until I accidentally ran smack into him. I looked up and said “Hey Snoop.” He didn’t say a word, just smiled and nodded, eyes glazed over.
Mama Lauderdale’s garage is full of treasures. On a recent trip to Atlanta, I found a box of old trophies: her beauty pageant trophies and my dad’s skydiving trophies. Yahtzee! I immediately thought of this pin and decided to give it a go. I called Riley Ekman, who can make anything, and he took it from there.
Step One: Grab a chainsaw and cut a piece of wood for which to mount the trophy heads.
Step Two: Remove trophy heads from trophy stands.
Step Three: Spray paint all of them gold.
Step Four: Attach the heads to the wood.
Step Five: Hang the rack and then hang whatever you’d like from it.
Oh the things I find in my mom’s garage. I about had a heart attack when I found this footlocker buried underneath a slew of boxes. It’s my grandfather’s footlocker that he used in WWII.
I immediately asked my mom if I could have it and she said “Of course! But what are you going to do with it?” A devilish grin appeared across my face. I packed it up, took it to FedEx, and shipped it to Austin.
I called my creative partner in crime, Riley Eckman, and asked him if he could make this trunk into a table. Of course he could… Riley can make anything.
First, we ordered the legs.
Then primed them.
And lastly painted them a flat gunmetal grey and attached them to the bottom of the footlocker.
And voilà, WWII footlocker table.
Works so well in the loft. Might slap a piece of glass on top, a shaggy rug underneath and make it into a coffee table. Either way, what an easy conversion of something so beautiful and full of history. Oh the places this trunk has been and the stories it contains. It’s an honor to give it new life.
Several years ago I was inspired by these stools that I saw on apartmenttherapy.com:
Yes, they’re amazing. But after some deep internet digging, I realized that they looked better than they functioned (way too heavy, could tip over, and are uncomfortable). So, I hired super talented welder extraordinaire, Riley Eckman, to help me improvise.
First, we had to find some truck springs that could hold the weight of a human being. My buddy Shannon and her husband scored 2 from a Dodge 3/4 ton pickup.
Since I needed 3, I made my first trip EVER to a salvage yard… and traded in my stilettos for a pair of combat boots.
And then went on a scavenger hunt with my new friend, Ricardo. It didn’t take long before we found what we were looking for.
He was a little surprised at my excitement… and that I asked him to take a picture of me with my new suspension spring.
Saw this on my way out of the salvage yard:
Only in Texas.
Next up: seats to go on top of the springs. How about ergonomically correct tractor seats?
And finally, a base. What about trailer rims that had to be painstakingly dug out of the ground? (Riley is amazing, did I mentioned that?)
Add a blow torch and some paint, and voilà! (Btw, after this pic was taken we lined the top and bottom rim edges with dark grey dishwasher hose so that it wouldn’t scratch the floor or cut bare feet. We sealed it with grey epoxy.)
Besides being badass, there was an unexpected surprise… they physically rock. So I can do a chair shimmy while I eat breakfast. High five, Riley.
I plan how I improvise. Contradiction, I know. The reason I do this is because 70% of my show involves the audience, so I have to be ready for anything. I prepare for certain shenanigans to go this way or that and practice how I will handle different situations. But just when I think I’m in control and have mastered the art of “planned improvisation,” the unexpected happens.
I hosted the Austin Fashion Awards in the summer of 2010. It was my first time hosting an award show. I was very excited and extremely nervous, to say the least. To kick off the show, I was wheeled out in an old wardrobe trunk while the “Pink Panther Theme” played over the PA. As that song faded out, an instrumental version of “It Had to Be You” came on, which was my cue to pop out of the trunk and start singing. All was going fabulously, until this happened:
Do you know what saved my ass? While I was being wheeled out, I said in my head over and over again “Be in the moment… Be in the moment… Be in the moment.” That was the first time I had ever said that to myself before a performance. Well it paid off because right when the music cut out, I had no choice but to be in the moment and because I was, my act was BETTER than what I had originally planned. I learned that very day that preparation only gets you so far… being in the moment gets you so much further.
It was February 21st, 2005. I was sitting at a bar on the Sunset Strip in Los Angeles celebrating my birthday with a few friends when all of a sudden we locked eyes. It was love at first site. Absolute perfection… all 4 inches of him. He came home with me that night, practically crawled in my pocket, and has never left. What a machine.
Here are some of the his adventures:
Puttin out the vibe near the Golden Gate Bridge.
Hangin with Marilyn in Chicago.
Mister Stevens only rides in first class. He’s a bit of a diva.
Keeping me company in the studio.
On a canal in Amsterdam, his favorite city.
Mister Stevens has a thing for hip shoes and hip ladies.
Starting to think that he may have a drinking problem.
Scratch that. He definitely has a drinking problem.
This little man has meant so much to me that I wrote a song about him, called “Mister Stevens.” Not only is it on my record, which you can get on iTunes (shameless plug), it is featured in the film “Deeper and Deeper.” He’s kindof a big deal.
Some of you may know by now that Airbnb is an alternative to a hotel. Holy geez it is SO much more than that. For me, it is a way of life.
After my estate sale, I decided to take my career global. Airbnb made it easy. I exclusively rent their properties all over the world. Because all of these properties are fully furnished, I am able to “move” by simply hopping on a plane with my 2 suitcases. Yep, seriously.
First stop: Amsterdam. Duration: 2 months. Here is where I stayed.
And now for some very random highlights…
Bikes everywhere. #1 form of transportation in Amsterdam.
Gay pride was INSANE!!! I’ve never seen so many people in one place. Love that the parade was on the water through the canals.
Surprisingly, this took a while to find. There was a fantastic brewery next to it. Of course I stopped in… more than once.
This picture hung on the wall in a restaurant close to my house. Was always hard to hold a conversation when this pic was in my peripheral.
Stilettos and Dutch chocolate?! Um, YES PLEASE!!!
Super Mario lives here.
Romantic little alleys everywhere you turn…
Stumbled upon an old ship yard. In heels. (duh)
My mom, the etiquette teacher, came to visit. She loved the Van Gogh Museum and the Anne Frank House, but was extra excited to buy sunflowers at a flower market and find these shoes.
Mongolian grasslands folk meets Beijing punk rock? Check.
The name of this band, btw, is Hanggai. If they ever come to your town, go see them.
Honorable Amsterdam mentions: soap on a stick and a furry friend who kept me company.
The blonde wig that she’s laying on belongs to my cousin, Bella Morningstar. She came to visit and had a very, uh, interesting experience. This explains it better:
On Memorial Day of 2011, I had my first… uhhhh… there’s not a glamorous way to say this……… colonic. In another entry I’ll go into detail (woo hoo!) about why I did it and why the clinic I went to was unique, but this entry is about the ripple effect of that visit.
After my life changing appointment, I *floated* out of the clinic. I had never felt so cleansed of mind, body (of course), and soul. This feeling was so overwhelming that I wanted to cleanse everything else around me. So that’s exactly what I did. The following Saturday morning, I put this sign in my front yard:
And proceeded to sell absolutely everything I owned (except for 2 suitcases of clothes).
I thought it would be hard to sell my performance clothes, makeup, jewelry and stilettos…
But it wasn’t.
I thought it would be tough to let go of skincare oils, records, furniture, art, drapes, kitchen things, etc…
But it wasn’t.
I thought it would be really hard to let go of the Audi…
But I can always buy a new one. :-)
I served champagne so that people would buy more… and it worked.
And Mack did a good job keeping an eye on things.
Here’s a little clip of the calm before the storm:
I now understand what my dad meant when he said “You don’t own your possessions, they own you.” Thank you Daddy. I get it now.
Minimalism… you should try it.
(***and for the record, I did not sell the dog and cat… admit it, you were curious)